For the child in the family, at any age
This is for the teenager, the twenty-something, or the adult child whose parent has MS. You may be watching someone you love face something you cannot fix while you keep up with school, work, and your own life. That in-between place can feel lonely. A few things are worth hearing clearly.
Your feelings are normal, all of them
You may feel worried, angry when plans change, guilty for being angry, embarrassed, sad, or resentful about responsibilities you did not choose. Some children feel guilty for leaving home. Others feel guilty because they do not feel what they think they should. These responses are understandable. You deserve a safe place to say them without worrying that you are hurting your parent.
It's not your job to fix it
You cannot make your parent’s MS go away. You can be kind and help with specific things, but you are not responsible for managing their illness, mood, or future. You deserve to hear this clearly: “This is not yours to carry alone.”
Parents sometimes pass along guilt without meaning to, through a sigh when plans change or a comment made on a hard day. Their frustration is real, but it is not yours to manage. If you start to feel responsible for keeping everyone calm, tell another trusted adult.
Roz Chast’s memoir Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant? (affiliate link) gives honest, humane company to the complicated feelings that can come with a parent’s changing needs.
What can help
Specific, limited help can feel better than watching anxiously. “I’ll do the grocery run on Saturdays” gives the help a clear shape. Keep showing up for ordinary connection too: call about nothing, ask their advice, tell them your news, and let your parent still be your parent.
Ask your parent what a hard day feels like for them, what kind of help feels good, and what does not. Understanding their experience can make both of you feel less alone, while keeping the responsibility for managing MS with the adults and care team.
Your life still belongs to you
Moving out, going to college, taking the trip, or making your own plans can feel like abandonment. Those choices can also be part of growing into your own life. Talk openly about what support your parent has and what contact would help both of you feel connected. Love can stay steady across a little distance.
If it gets to be too much
If you are taking on adult responsibilities while you are still young, please bring in another trusted adult. A school counselor, therapist, relative, or support group for young people with an ill parent can help. Asking for support does not betray your family; it gives you somewhere to put what has become too heavy.